Back to the grind

I'm really going to miss these mornings. One week left on maternity leave, and the panic is setting in. I have treasured this time at home, this time with my new little boy, this time to focus on what is truly important. This morning, Sebastian awoke at 6 AM and I brought him into the bed with me. He nursed and then we dozed, side by side, until 7. He woke up chattering away and when I took his swaddle off, he stretched his arms and watched his hands as though in wonder (actually, he was probably literally in wonder, as in 'I wonder what the thing is!') He is always full of smiles in the morning, and coo's at me as though he really is happy to see me. I stretch this time out because it is some of the best time we spend together all day. The process of waking up and going to sleep at night are my favorite moments with Sebastian. Eventually, though, reality catches up and I worry that his diaper will start to leak if I don't change it soon, or start to feel badly for wallowing in bed until 8 o'clock, or remember something that I need to do, and we get up, get dressed, and head downstairs.

My other favorite time with Sebastian is in the evenings when I put him to sleep. We have a routine now that I think is very sweet. I change his diaper and put him into his pajamas. Then we sit in the glider with the lights down dim and the white noise machine on. He nurses and I sing "You Are My Sunshine" to him. When he's done eating, I read "Wynken, Blynken, and Nod" to him and then usually sing some more while we rock. He is still awake, but drowsy and so snuggly. I give him a kiss on his forehead and swaddle him in his crib before giving him his pacifier and tiptoeing out of the room. In those moments, he is all that matters.

And I suppose that is what I will miss the most about maternity leave. The carefree focus on Sebastian. Having my son be all that matters. Of course he will always be the priority, he will always be the most important thing in my life, but he will not be all that matters. There will be papers to grade, lessons to plan, schedules to keep. We will be awake early with lots to do before I leave, and in the evenings I'll be thinking ahead to all that needs to be done between Sebastian's bedtime and my own. I hope I'll still be able to slow down and enjoy these quiet moments that I've come to treasure with him. I'm going to miss these mornings.